The accusation of defensiveness may feel painful; however, internally also represents an opportunity to improve. Defensiveness is a protective response that often comes from deep-seated psychological instincts. If it comes as part of the regular reaction then, it is actually destroying the relationship and not even allowing one to grow herself, which can create gaps in understanding who you are.
Here are five of the most common reasons for defensiveness, followed by a few tips to help you identify and practice different responses.
1. Lack of Accurate Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is knowing what drives you, your emotions, and how those things influence others. If they are lacking it, then it is difficult to see their behavior accurately and instead there is likely to be defensiveness. Without self-awareness, it is easy to miss how your tone, words or actions impact other people, making yourself more likely to assume others are attacking instead of trying to help.
Solution
Collectively, these form into developing self-awareness that naturally begins with honest assessment and reflection on oneself. Try these exercises:
- Use a journal: Journal about your experience on a regular basis. Doing a little bit of reflection afterwards on how you feel after particular conversations can highlight whether there is a pattern.
- Solicit Feedback: Ask for feedback from people you respect to get their impression of your reaction. Gain insight on how others experience you.
- Mindfulness Practices: Techniques (like meditation) to help you noticed your thoughts without reacting automatically can lead to less black or white reactions in difficult situations by creating more space to respond than react.
With time you become more aware of yourself, and that modestly also helps interpret scenarios rightly, creating less need for being defensive.
2. Difficulties Accepting Disappointments
No one enjoys not getting their way, but some people find it particularly challenging to accept outcomes that differ from their expectations. This difficulty can trigger defensiveness, often as a way to protect the ego from feeling undermined or vulnerable. People who struggle with unmet expectations may perceive differing opinions or choices as threats to their personal identity or autonomy.
Solution
Here are steps to practice acceptance:
- Pinpoint Hard Expectations: Locate places in which you are having an automatic belief. If you look forward to having control in certain situations, work on detaching from these expectations.
- Embrace Failure: Let go of your fear of failure by seeing setbacks as experiences to learn from or build on. When something doesn’t go quite as planned, rather than focus on the negative ask yourself what can you learn from it.
- Try giving up control: Start with micro practices take a different route home or let someone else contribute, and coach yourself to be tolerant of situations outside your preference range.
Cultivating acceptance fosters resilience, making it easier to engage in conversations with an open mind rather than a defensive stance.
3. Low Levels of Self-Accountability
Personal responsibility for actions and words is at the heart of integrity and healthy relationships. It comes from a desire to avoid taking ownership when, at times, taking responsibility feels like defeat or blame. This reluctance can often result in the rationalising away, the exteriorisation of blame, and a complete avoidance of taking responsibility for your part in something.
Solution
Here is how to increase personal accountability:
- Take Responsibility For What You Do: Never shy away from taking ownership of what you do. If it gets wrong due to your actions, accept it openly without any excuses. Instead of saying, “I was late because traffic was bad,” try, “I did not manage my time well.
- Apologizing where warranted: Apology, if done sincerely, can mend relationship and build trust. And it is a strong way to show accountability without losing faith.
- Shift to Solutions: If you figure out a mistake and someone raises it, do not go into defense mode, ASK YOURSELF, “How can I make this right? When you start moving to solutions rather than reacting, people are less defensive and more inclined to cooperate.
Owning up to your mistakes does not reduce your value; it creates confidence and respect from other people around you.
4. Difficulty Understanding People Are Different
A part of this is influenced by an individual from the cultural background through experiences, beliefs and perceptions that create a difference in every single be; associated with his/her life pattern. We become defensive when people do not see it the way we do, because we assume that they will see it that way.
Solution
Here are strategies to open yourself up to other people point of view:
- Practice Empathy: You should take measures to walk in other peoples shoes. Get a sense of where they are coming from (Ask questions) If someone else sees it differently, give an honest effort to see how that might be connected to their own background or values.
- Help the Other Person to Talk: Do not just let them talk but also dono t prepare youc as a counter when they speak. Listen without trying to respond. Doing so reduces the possibility of misinterpretation, which is an event leading to defensiveness.
- Push Your Circle Further: Find experiences and perspectives outside of what is familiar to you by talking to people with diverse backgrounds, cultures, and life experiences.
Understanding that people have different perspectives, both valid and also differing from yours, diminishes the need for always defending your opinion.
5. Low Levels of Understanding of Other People’s Experiences
Also along the same lines of empathy, understanding what others have been through starts with realizing that everybody has their own go at things. Without strong levels of this understanding, an inability to validate anyone else’s feelings exists, sometimes even a feeling that individuals should change their life because it’s not the same as yours.
Solution
For greater awareness of what others are experiencing, try these:
- Use Open-Ended Questions: Get people to elaborate about their experiences with it. Queries, “Would you elaborate on that?” or “How did experience go for you? unlock a deeper understanding
- Don’t Compare: Don’t compare what someone is going through to what you went through Since the struggles faced by individuals are different, comparing often dismisses other peoples feeling leading to further defensiveness on both sides.
- Learn more: Read books, watch documentaries or attend workshops on other cultures, histories and social issues. Widening your horizon adds some empathy and compassion.
This elevated perspective allows us to grow an understanding of what the others experience, we connect with them on a deeper level and this gives birth to respect, which directly counteracts defensive reactions.
Conclusion
Battling defensiveness is a matter of dedication; self-awareness, acceptance, accountability, empathy and realizing what it feels like to be others are keys. All of those things strengthen the capacity to be present, vulnerable, and authentic with others.
If you feel prepared to put in the effort, I encourage you to speak with a licensed therapist and explore these skills. Keep in mind that change takes time, but the rewards will pay rich dividends in better relationships and greater peace with yourself, absolutely worthwhile effort.
If you want further assistance, head to All in the Family Counselling professionals who ensure that they help you grow and get prepared step-by-step toward a more fulfilling mode of engaging with the world that does not arise from being defensive.
